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I could feel that I was approaching the big city. After many years, I was coming to a city this big. My heart was full of excitement but it seemed that the train was determined to dampen my enthusiasm, for it slowed down to a crawl as we approached the city. Somebody sitting in the adjacent compartment was talking about congested loop lines, occupied platforms and speed limits. We hovered over huge spacious roads packed with innumerable automobiles as the train crawled over a number of road over bridges. We passed huge dumps of garbage and then all of a sudden the platform was visible. Everyone rushed to the door. Maybe they wanted to beat the train in its race to the platform. A train which never seemed to be in a mood to get there. You see- a big city is fast, always rushing and gushing like a mountain stream. The coolies clambering on board added to the ensuing milieu. Urchins ran in to claim the bottles the haves had left behind. Every time I see this happening I wonder if the mineral water I buy would be safer or worse than even tap water. And Slum dog Millionaire has strengthened my apprehensions.
There are people at the station to receive me. Only I do not know them. They want to take me for a ride. Oops! Sorry. I mean that they want me take a ride in their auto/taxi or whatever for a princely sum of money and they can’t believe that I do not need to go anywhere. I walk trying to ignore them, but they follow me like egrets on a buffalo. I shake them off and finally reach a building marked the Railway rest house adjacent to the station. I work in the Railways. I toss my belongings in and make my way to the busy market. I have never seen so many vehicles. Billboards dot the skyline. Huge crowds wait at either side of the road to cross it when the signal turns red, commanding all those angry, hot and smoking automobiles to stop. I feel lost in this crowd of humanity. I feel like getting in touch with some known person, maybe call up home. But, my phone has just .85 rupees as balance. My network graciously welcomes me to each and every state. Only later I realised that it was because they were charging me happily even for the calls I received. Even their marketing calls. No wonder they were so happy to SMS welcome messages in each and every state. I need to call up home. I walk into a few stores, either they can’t charge my phone or they are too busy to talk to me. I ask someone and he tells me the way to a mobile recharge store of my operator. But, I manage to get lost. I lose hope and must settle with a PCO. This city is too big and I can’t find my way here.
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Comments:
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The article starts of f on a great note and seems to describe the mood and bustle of a big city and then trials of into a personal account and seems to end on a desolate note. It is important to build on the central idea to keep your readers hooked to the piece.
Here are 5 things that we liked or would change/revise:
1. Title: The title is catchy and suits the article.
2. Formatting: There seem to be a lot of ideas jostling for space. This piece needs to be structured better for it to flow well.
3. Grammar & Usage: Punctuation needs to be corrected and care should be taken to ensure correct usage of names (Slumdog is one word in the context of the movie).
4. Language: The use of short crisp sentences would enhance the article though the imagery is vivid in parts. The article needs to be edited for language usage errors.
5. Target Audience: The article ends abruptly. It’s important to have a well defined conclusion to hold the attention of the reader.